A Series of Observations

Friendship breakups…perhaps the worst kind?

From a woman’s perspective, sometimes we’re taught that as much as we are supposed to “need” a man, we also cannot rely on them at all. I don’t believe this narrative, but can understand how it might train us to think that men are easily replaceable, or that we should expect to replace them.

With friends, those are the hits we don’t see coming. From the time of our very first friend, we don’t expect them to leave. Over whatever time we’re given, we share stories, experiences, and many emotions. When a romantic encounter gets in the way, or distance separates us, or anything in between causes a rift, it’s a hard thing to understand how someone so close could so willingly leave that kind of relationship behind.

The truth of the matter is, there’s a lot of reasons why this could happen, and usually aren’t important compared to what we are really feeling.

Betrayal, disappointment, sadness, anger…

Friendship breakups are a natural part of navigating our lives, and are the one thing that might never get easier to navigate.

I have lost many friends to many circumstances throughout my life, each one perhaps harder than the next. The only difference across those years and those friends, is who I became afterwards.

Each betrayal for some time became another link in my armor, another reason to keep myself protected against all relationships. As I grew up, this perspective changed. With the self-awareness I gained, I was able to see how I impacted these relationships, and how they impacted me. Those betrayals then became a better reason to trust myself, my instincts, my morals, my values. Each friend that left made me more proud to stand by the ones that stayed, even when I was sad to see them go.

Even now, with the friends that choose their pride over communicating issues, or are quick to anger and avoidance, I am grateful for their time in my life. I have become grateful for the betrayals that showed me who they were, and more importantly who I am in response.

As we all know, grief has no timeline, even with every ounce of gratitude in the world. For every situation we lay to rest (or maybe not), there will be equal or greater need to grieve. Trust me, I don’t think any of us need to be scientists to understand that fact.

There’s a quote I love, written by Shannon Lee Barry, author of “In the Event This Doesn’t Fall Apart” and poet, where this quote originates from, that I would like to share with you all.

The quote is this, “…when I turned to face grief, I saw that it was just love in a heavy coat.”

I discovered this quote during a difficult time of losing my last living grandparent, and has helped to understand and accept my grief throughout all forms of it.

A friend breakup is a living death, a blow to all fronts, and a traumatizing heartbreak. To lose those we platonically love, is to lose an entire life’s worth of love in an instant. Despite the reasons for the relationship to end, I think that it is our love that we will always grieve the most. For that was shared only with them, and won’t make sense to another. For the versions of ourself who knew them so well, and them us, because in the event we meet them again, it won’t be as those people.

Death is change, whether literal or not, and we are destined to never be the same after any love. Be it romantic, platonic, familial or otherwise.

Perhaps this seems like a road with no end, these experiences, nor will I tell you what you should or shouldn’t do in these situations. These things aren’t always about action, but I hope that you know I understand.

I understand that people leave, I might even understand why.

I understand how this will inevitably change every molecule of my being, and in time I might even understand why.

I understand that as I sit here, brokenhearted, I can feel the heavy coat of the love I shared wrapped warmly around me, and I understand it might not be the proper season for it.

I can admire it from a distance, or find that it doesn’t fit me anymore, and I understand it is because I have grown out of it.

I am fortunate for those coats that kept me warm in the right seasons, I am fortunate to have grown with or beyond those now heavy coats, and I am fortunate to have had such an opportunity to enjoy them.

For the friends that have left my life, whether you read this or not, or whether you understand why we are no longer in each others lives or not, I thank you, and I want you to know…

I understand.