A Series of Observations

This happened years ago, I was definitely still in undergrad, but also definitely in my 20’s (insert foreshadowing here), and to this day it is both the most traumatizing and hysterical thing to ever happen to me.

Let me set the scene. It was on the college campus, and regretfully I don’t fully remember how I met this guy. I want to say it was because I was working on a campus show in costumes for credit towards my minor, and he might have been doing the same.

Normally I would give false names or go for a code name, but this boys name was Wilheim. Yes I’m serious. Not William or Will and happens to have German decent and goes by Wilheim, just straight up, I-don’t-think-he-was-even-German Wilheim. I couldn’t have given him a better name.

He seemed like a nice enough guy, but most definitely not even close to what my type was at the time. We chatted here and there because I was a huge proponent to the costumes, having lots of sewing experience, and we saw each other often enough due to the rehearsal and show schedules.

Now I wish I could remember even more details than this, but I’m quite certain I have a lot of it repressed. The boy spoke to me more and more often, and had my phone number because it was given out to everyone who might need it for the shows purposes.

That turned into (at least what I thought) a friendship, apparently I was simply just so God-damn charming the guy never stood a chance, but the entire time I didn’t think anything of it.

Anyways, there was a moment in time when he asked me to go for coffee, and I distinctly remember him giving me a reason that didn’t sound like a date, advice on the program or something. As someone always willing to help, I said yes.

Then it hit me, all the reasons he gave me really could have been answered by literally anyone else in the theater department, and perhaps ulterior motives were in place.

Having already committed to the coffee, and no good reason to get out of it other than sheer panic, I begged my friend Lisa to conveniently join me to use her and our next class as a way out. She was more than happy to join in on the fun, and I was even happier to have had a witness.

Coffee was received, oh wait, no he doesn’t drink coffee, OH and also doesn’t order anything…at all. Of course I pay for myself and thank god we’re in the campus library where there are many, many people around.

We sit. He is obviously surprised to see Lisa with me, Lisa is smirking behind me and I plaster my most neutral smile on.

Most of the conversation wasn’t important either, except for the three act drama where this boy mansplained literally everything to me. My favorite part was when he asked what I was majoring and minoring in, and I told him business and dance respectively. I told him I had been dancing, in multiple styles, for over 20 years, including teaching and on stage performing, and he proceeded to go into great detail about all the ways he was better or more knowledgable in dancing from his FIVE MONTHS of experience, just because his mother or aunt or some other relative might have owned a studio, and that he’d be more than happy to throw some tips my way.

He had lost me long before this topic, or rather date, ever came up, but that wasn’t even the icing on the cake.

My coffee was long gone, Lisa and I are not so subtitling checking our watches, class still a gruesome 30 minutes away, and somehow this guy still pulls out one more move. I find out our dear Wilheim had just turned 18…

As a 20 something-year-old , I was mortified. I had done enough babysitting in my lifetime, and a boyfriend will never be added to that list. Should something had happened between us, even a month sooner it would have been completely and totally illegal!

That was the nail in Wilheim’s coffin, may he rest in peace.

Afterwards, he texted me confused as to why I brought Lisa to our date, I told him I had no idea it was a date, because his invitation was misleading, and that I’m very sorry, but I felt zero connection towards him and I wished him hell…uh I mean well!

I don’t remember much after that, he made the show prep awkward for sure, but eventually Wilheim simply disappeared and I never had to deal with him again.

Lisa and I went our separate ways after that year as well, but whenever we do chat, we can’t help but remember our precious Wilheim and the date we didn’t know we were both on.