A Series of Observations

The change that I have experienced over the last month has been monumental in every possible way.

For a long time, I had begun to feel uncomfortable with where I was at in life. Unfulfilled and searching for meaning and direction.

Recently, the universe decided that I would receive every ounce of change I had “asked” for, all at once. 

To say I have been overwhelmed is an incredible understatement. 

I have been thrown into the center of an island, or an arena depending on your viewpoint, and I have to find a way to survive to the end. 

Survival has never felt so hard, and find my search for meaning and direction continues even now.

I was offered a new job that would take me away from my family, to a new city, in a new state. I thought it was what I wanted to experience next in life.

I thought that I would feel more excited, and yet each day I wonder if I made a mistake.

Perhaps it was just that too much change came too quickly, and everything I knew as my reality is completely different.

Maybe it needed to happen that way or else the change would never come.

I consider myself to be a confident and highly capable person, but this experience has made me so vulnerable and fragile, and for the first week I spent in my new apartment my only thought was how desperately I wanted to go home.

I didn’t take care of my body, I didn’t take care of my mind. I’m still living out of suitcases because I don’t own any furniture, and it will probably be that way for a while until I can afford what I need.

Even this massive change will change again soon, because I am on a temporary contract, and by the time I get “comfortable” here, it will all change again.

I’ve thought a lot recently about the difference between a decision and a choice. 

My understanding is that when you make a choice, you are choosing from a set of existing options, such as what to wear, or what to make for dinner from the ingredients you already own.

A decision is much deeper than that. A decision is made after deep consideration, perhaps even after we’ve had time to reflect on our choices and it is a very conscious thing.

I suppose you could argue that all our choices add up to change our life, but for this example let’s leave it separate.

Sometimes I think that this move, with my new apartment and my new job and everything else, was simply a choice. A choice I’m not entirely sure I made for myself, or at the very least was heavily influenced to make. 

I had limited options at the time and I chose what sounded best, but that doesn’t mean it was the best thing for me.

To have made a decision to do this, I would have had more time to reflect. To know that deep down this was what I wanted and needed, not just because it was the only opportunity that came up and I was ready to jump, not knowing I was doing so without a parachute.

Now I’m in the free-fall, hoping that eventually my parachute will deploy and I will have a graceful landing, even if I wasn’t entirely ready to leave the plane. Actually, I don’t know if I really wanted to be on the plane to begin with.

The reason why I know this is because excitement was completely lacking from my experience leading up to this move. I’ve always been an anxiety first kind of person, but even by my standards I thought I would feel more excited to experience everything, even if I was nervous to do so. I’ve done plenty of things in my life that scare me, but the best things also brought so much excitement with it.

That was not the case, and it still isn’t. 

The first week as I said was a challenge in and of itself. I moved everything I owned on a Sunday, and started work that Monday, where I have to learn everything from scratch. Not to mention that this was all after a holiday weekend where I was completely and totally knocked-out sick.

I had no time to adjust, to relax, to settle. As someone who requires a stable home environment to thrive and feel safe, I was spiraling every day. My OCD was in full control, my emotions more heavily fueled by hormones and stress. 

I was simply a shell of who I am, and a very empty shell at that. 

I’m trying to organize my thoughts even as I write this, because this is the first time I’ve taken the time to put it all down. I have heard every thought loud and clear in my head, and they all have a different voice, a different sense of urgency, a different idea. Even now, I’m filtering the worst of it out for you. I’m not sure if that is a good thing or bad.

How can I make a decision when I can’t understand myself clearly?

Well, I didn’t get to. I had to survive day-by-day with only choices as my guide.

Decision 1: what to eat, if I even could eat

Decision 2: what to wear

Decision 3: what to learn first

Etc., etc., etc.

Until I had my feet underneath me, which this week is the first week where I feel as though I’m starting to strengthen my sea legs. I knew if I didn’t change my mindset and do better, my life would continue to contribute more stress on my already overwhelmed system.

So I simply made the next best choice. 

Everyday I will continue to make the next best choice, with the options I have, and when I have more time and resources available to me, I will make a decision.

What is so crazy to me, the queen of consistency, is that I will have to make that decision very soon. 

That’s the interesting nature of a temporary contract, which I didn’t think of before I had accepted. 

By the time I am comfortable in this role, it will be my time to leave, and even if I am offered to stay longer or even permanently…

I already know I don’t want to. 

I have a great new job, and I am so fortunate to have gotten such an incredible opportunity, even temporarily, but right now I am not existing in my world, and I need to find my way back. 

I made a decision that gave me life experience, but took me away from what I feel aligned with. 

It’s hard to live in a place where you don’t believe you’ll build your life. 

That Philadelphia will only be a snapshot in the timeline of my life because I won’t stay here knowing that what I want isn’t here, or at least the biggest parts of what I want. Even though I knew that before I came and wanted to give it a chance anyways.

So where do I go from here?

I could go back home, I’m certainly in no obligation to stay, leases and jobs be damned, but I would be going back with nothing prepared, opportunities missed, and lessons unlearned. 

Even if the idea of returning home sounds appealing now, I have to remember how ready I was to try something new, even if it took me away for a little while. 

Six months isn’t a lifetime, it’s hardly anything really, but when you’re away from your family for the first time and existing in ways you aren’t used to, it certainly feels like a death-sentence. 

The only choice I have now is to change my mindset, deal with the upsets and find solutions to the problems that come up, and make the next best choice.

If I push myself through this period of growth and discomfort, I will be able to make a fulfilling decision later. 

I owe it to myself to try, I will be stronger for doing so, and if I truly want to return home at the end or even in the middle of this experience, I will do so having a much greater appreciation for it. 

A simple place, my home. Where I can enjoy all the seasons, spend time outdoors, get anywhere I need to be within 10 minutes, where I can park in a garage and not worry about getting ticketed, where I can exist in more square footage, where I already have roots. 

But that’s the thing with trees, there are so many roots, and they make the tree stronger by growing in multiple directions. 

They say the strongest trees are the ones that bend with the wind, and I think for now I will try to emulate that practice.

The wind is stronger than I’m used to, but my roots will hold. If a few leaves fall, I will grow new ones, and above all…

The storm will pass. 

So where do I go from here?

Forward. 

It is so much easier said than done, I know. I feel like a fraud for even typing the words considering the state I was in just a few days ago.

But that was a few days ago, and I was entitled to feel lost and exhausted. 

I’m still exhausted, but I choose to have faith in myself, knowing I will make it through every hard thing that is to come simply because I have survived every hard thing that came before this.

And I was fine. In fact, I was better for it.

I love a peaceful, simple, life as much as anyone, and I’m deathly allergic to change. But sometimes the universe simply makes the choice for you and you have to roll with it.

Zooming out has been my saving grace during this time. I wasn’t Zooming Out the first week I was here, I was stuck so deeply in my grief and stress that I wasn’t functioning properly. I couldn’t see or hear myself properly.

But now, with just a little bit more rest and many conversations with friends and family, mostly family, I feel that I’m in a better state of mind to Zoom Out, and it has changed EVERYTHING for me.

I have a plan, or as close to a plan as I can have at the moment. Where I will stay focused on my goals and what I want to manifest for my future and I grab that bull by the horns the second it gets close enough.

If another opportunity comes up before my contract has ended, then I will say my goodbyes to Philadelphia and I will be glad for it. If that doesn’t happen, I will stay as long as I can bear, and hope that I meet people that make it worth staying.

I’m sure I’ll feel differently even a day or two from now, but when I do I will challenge myself to Zoom Out, take a deep breath, challenge the negative thoughts, and make the next best choice.

We can only hope that the choices will be easy ones.

I hope, Observers, that you will do the same with me, no matter where you are in the world or with what you are facing.

Zoom Out, and make the next best choice.