A Series of Observations

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. At least that’s what all those home décor signs say at Home Goods. Is there any truth to that? Or is it possible that sometimes, something just simply sucks, and it would be way more satisfying to throw the lemon at someone instead?

We could argue both cases, but we aren’t here to debate.

Life has handed me a lot of lemons lately, and I’m running out of room in my fridge.

There’s never really a good time for life to knock on your door and say, “oh hey by the way, here’s all this shit for you to deal with, good luck!”

Can you prepare for it? Does it show up and mold you into a stronger human being? One can only hope, and every knock on the door brings something entirely different from the last, so I suppose preparing might be the last thing on our minds.

As you might recall, at the time that I’m writing this, I recently moved to Philadelphia on a temporary contract working at Free People, a fashion company.

All very cool sounding in theory, I admit, and I genuinely believed that this experience would bring me something very different to what I have thus far received.

From the moment I received the news I got the job; my pile of lemons has grown daily.

At first I thought, “ok, I’m just stressed because this is very stressful!” Only to realize that maybe there was a little more to what I was experiencing in my body.

Moving is stressful, plain, and simple. Perhaps it’s the one thing the entirety of the human race can actually agree upon! It makes you question your consuming habits, your location choices, your paint choices, your vehicle choices, your everything choices.

Moving provides a full x-ray view into your life and the choices you’re making. The good, the bad, and especially the ugly.

Preparing to move, there were weeks of stress about where I was going to live only to settle on a place that was fine but not perfect, getting sick 3 times in one month, not getting a moving truck because I thought I only had to pack for a week to start, moving in on a Sunday and starting my new job the next day, the heating unit in the apartment not working just in time for the coldest months of the year, only for the repair man to come on a weekend I wasn’t even there, a bunch of other things breaking once that broke too because why not, seasonal depression kicking in, leaving family and the anxiety that comes with being fully alone, the buildup of the holidays, financial stress, confusion, anger, and above all, grief.

I am in my mid-to-late 20’s, this is supposed to be the time of my damn life, according to many people that have nothing to do directly with my life. And I believed them.

But right now, my career seems to be at a plateau, my relationship life is non-existent, and my life is now split right down the middle. One foot (ok maybe like one singular toe) in Philadelphia, and the rest of me in New York.

I can’t hold all the lemons I have in possession at the moment, and I sure as hell am not in the mood to make lemonade.

 Everyone that I talk to, which ultimately makes me want to stop talking to people and fall off the grid, tells me that I have to “give it time” and allow myself to “settle in” and “find a groove.”

Though true that may be, I think I just know myself well enough by now to know when I simply don’t want to be somewhere, to simply know when I am not happy somewhere, or with someone, or doing something. You can’t call me naïve when I am the only person that knows myself as perfectly as one can, even if I question who that person is daily. It’s my thoughts I hear every day, my dreams I see at night. It’s my anger I feel, my disappointment, my hurt, my happiness, my overwhelming grief.

Mine.

Should I give these things time to work itself out? Probably, and I will certainly try, but I think many things can be true at once. That I can be disappointed in the reality of my choice while also still being so new in the process. Maybe time will change my perspective or maybe it won’t. Maybe I just proved how well I know myself, even if I thought I wanted differently.

I have to be prepared to live with disappointment for a while if I don’t find myself liking it here, especially when I know that this isn’t the job for me.

I have to live with the confusion of what comes next for me, when each time I put myself out there towards what I think I want for myself, I’m getting shut down.

I have to deal with the irresistible urge to chuck those lemons at a wall and stomp all over the remains.

There’s a lot of time left for me to explore what this opportunity means. To understand why I’m here and who I’m supposed to become because of it. As excited as I am to become that version of myself, it’s time I don’t really want to spend because I’m so focused on the finished product. Even I have to remind myself that life is about the ups and downs, it reveals our purpose and our character at every turn, but that you have to stay on the ride to get there.

Today is perhaps less of a reminder to Zoom Out, and more a reminder to stay put. That sometimes Zooming Out won’t be the solution when what we need is to endure every moment of the storm exactly where we are planted, because it’s always temporary. To remind us that it’s helping to shed the things we don’t need to carry anymore, and maybe for now that’s it’s only purpose.

Make lemonade if you wish, but if you don’t feel like it, know that it’s also ok for things to be sour for a little while, normal even.

Stay put and stomp.