A Series of Observations

Life requires us to make a lot of decisions, sometimes with more information at our disposal, and sometimes with less. I want to talk about what happens when Zooming Out isn’t going to be helpful, and why it’s important we learn to distinguish when it’s time to do so, and when it’s not.

I think about this way.

Imagine a city skyline. You might be in the midst of that city, or just outside looking in, and you look around and revel in the vastness of such a thing. The same can be said over large landscapes, oceans, whatever metaphor you want to go with.

We become captivated by such things, looking around at the buildings, the lights, the sounds and think just how amazing it is.

Maybe it is, but that’s only the big picture.

From that viewpoint, you aren’t seeing the challenges and disadvantages that come with Zooming In and seeing the small details. The potholes in the street, the smells of sewage, the higher prices of living, the silent tears, the stolen parking spots, the uncomfortable exchanges.

What we often forget, is that all those details make up the entire picture, even if it doesn’t dominate the entire image.

There will always be good that comes with the bad, and vice versa, but I’ve learned that sometimes there are decisions in this life that require you to Zoom In. To determine if those little details are something you can live with to have the whole image.

It’s honestly hysterical, because I have spent my entire life learning how to Zoom Out, and suddenly I’ve made a huge decision in my life that I should’ve Zoomed In on. If we do, you’ll find that sometimes, those details aren’t worth the sacrifice to get the full picture.

I’m taking the city metaphor quite literally with my own experience. It’s so simple to see cities online, through other’s big picture moments, and think how wonderful it would be to have the same.

Perhaps you go for it like I did and find those big picture moments aren’t there for you. In fact, every little moment adds up to something else entirely, and you can’t connect the dream with reality.

When I received the call that I got the job I’m currently doing, it was a whirlwind. I had so many opinions and options coming towards me, and although I am typically very good at making up my mind and believing my internal voice, this time was different. While I was gathering information and trying to decide as quickly as possible, I was really being streamlined into one thing. It was the thing that made the most sense and was the smartest option at the time, though it wasn’t the best thing for me specifically.

Most of my decisions over this short time has truthfully benefited others more than it benefited me, and that’s an uncomfortable consequence to live with.

I didn’t give myself the time to Zoom In and really think about what I would be leaving, and what I would (or wouldn’t) be gaining in return.

If I had, I would’ve realized that the job wasn’t something I was going to enjoy, even if it’s something I’m good at, but I accepted it anyways because it was the first yes I had received in 2+ years of searching and needed the experience for my resume.

If I had, I would’ve taken that temporary trip down to the city like I originally planned and see if I liked living in Philadelphia, and I would have found out sooner that I don’t think I do. But…

Because I didn’t, I appreciate my hometown on an entirely different level now.

Because I didn’t, I know just a little bit more about myself that I questioned before.

Because I didn’t, I can make another decision for my life and not wonder what if.

When we hear about living in cities, we hear only the glamorous stories or the worst. No one wants to talk about the mundane. The middle ground, the day to day, the average.

The often overlooked mundane is the picture you create every single day. The laundry, the grocery shopping, the puttering at home, the cleaning, the to and from work, the meals you eat.

I’m saying this now because the mundane is perhaps the most important, and when you can’t stand to live with that, then the highs and lows mean nothing.

I’ve come to realize that I do not enjoy the mundane of the life I have in the big city I’m currently in. Maybe under different circumstances I would love it, but the way it is for me now is simply the way it is.

I think this realization is important because I liked the mundane moments I had at home. I didn’t mind running errands, or cleaning my apartment, or cooking meals for my family, snuggling with my animals, or a Saturday with absolutely nothing to do. I enjoyed it, even on the days I was completely bored.

Because even though I was bored, I felt connected, even if certain parts were missing.

Communities take time to build, and I’ve spent every moment of my life building the one I have in New York. The funny thing is, I have a small community in Philadelphia, which was a huge reason I chose to take the leap and go, and I’m not feeling connected to my support system in the ways I need to be.

The details don’t add up and for me that isn’t something I’m willing to put up with just for the sake of saying I live in a big city. The stress and disconnection I am experiencing isn’t worth what I am receiving in return.

I deserve to live a life where I am connected, where I feel safe and happy.

It can be defeating to realize you had it wrong, that you took a chance with the wrong picture in mind, and that you don’t think you can change it to make it happen.

I’m working to reframe my mind to believe that it can be empowering to be wrong. To have “failed” so quickly and find out something so profound about myself and my life.

It’s hard to explain, I’ll admit. To know that I could work tirelessly to build a life here in Philadelphia and maybe come out on the other side happy enough, or to course correct and make something else happen.

It’s hard to believe that the advice I’m giving today is to Zoom In of all things. I think that it’s so important we know when to shift the lens in and out to understand ourselves and the situation better. That kind of knowing can only come with time and experience and more time, because sometimes, the picture is just too big to see it clearly.

Adjust your lens and adjust your life accordingly. I believe in you.