This isn’t the first time I’ve written about relationships, friendship or romantic, their resulting breakups, and its various subjects, nor will it be the last. 

I’ve had some difficult experiences with relationships, specifically friends, as of recent and naturally I’ve spent some time processing the things that have happened.

Taylor Swift’s “I’m Right Where You Left Me” recently popped up in my playlists, and in some ways hearing this song was a reminder for me to not fall victim to a fate I’ve experienced more times than I care to admit. 

I believe that some songs are made with the sole purpose to enjoy them and might not make much sense because of it, and many more times you can tell exactly how much went into that song. “I’m Right Where You Left Me” is one of those songs, where the lyrics paint a vivid image of an experience I think many of us have had.

When love leaves us, but we can’t leave it behind. The type of attachment that holds us back, and in many ways keeps our fragile hearts right where they were broken. Maybe it’s weeks, or more likely years, where we sit in that same spot and hold onto the fantasy of people coming back, having the perfect thing to say to make them stay, holding onto the hopeful delusion of our importance in their lives. 

The song, for those of you that aren’t familiar, shares the story of a woman (Taylor Swift) who following a breakup can’t seem to move on, sitting at the same restaurant she was broken up in, holding onto the fantasy of her lover coming back and hoping for a future that will never come. Here is my favorite phrase from the song that inspired this conversation:

“Did you ever hear about the girl who got frozen?

Time went on for everybody else, she won’t know it.

She’s still twenty-three inside her fantasy,

How it was supposed to be.

Did you hear about the girl who lives in delusion?

Breakups happen every day, you don’t have to lose it.

She’s still twenty-three inside her fantasy,

And you’re sitting in front of me.“

Once upon a time a breakup would break me more than it probably ever did the other person. I was not sure enough of myself to pull myself out of it. It broke my confidence and caused me to see very little value in myself and I would end up going through the motions quite numb; or worse, feeling every single thing while on the surface I was smiling. For many years I didn’t think much of it. I always moved on, got up each day and did what I had to do. I did well for myself and it didn’t really impact me, right?

Inside, I would be stuck “in the restaurant.” Replaying situations, conversations, wondering how I could’ve played my part differently, projecting a fantasy onto the future where I got my retribution, or they came back and hit play again. Of course none of that ever happened, all it did was keep me frozen in a place I needed to leave. It kept me holding onto a version of myself I no longer was.  

Recently I was forced to make a difficult decision regarding a friendship. In many ways the decision was made for me, as this person had done a great job of pushing me out of their life, for years might I add, but when it came down to deciding to go to an important event in their life or not, I chose not to because this person was simply not my friend, not anymore that is.  

I didn’t realize how detrimental that decision would be for our relationship. Where my reasons were logical, logistical, and yes personal, I was met with silence. Despite my valid reasons, this person showed me for the final time that they were not who I knew them to be. They had changed, and for that I could have forgiven them had it not been for the worse. The relationship was not toxic, though clearly not very mature, but they had changed into a version of themselves I would never be able to recognize. 

Going a step further, they had removed themselves from my social media. Perhaps an understandable turn of events, but remember in my mind we were still friends, even if we acted more as acquaintances at this point. A civility could be shown if required, at least on my part, but we know that by today’s standards, this result was a very clear message. We were no longer friends.

Rather egregious in my opinion, even if I understood their disappointment, but without a single conversation regarding the situation, I was showed exactly where I stood with this person and was reminded why I no longer found any value in that relationship. 

I could hardly say I was shocked, in all honesty. If you knew the details you would understand, but the person and the details are the least important part of this conversation. What’s important is the principle of the situation, and what happened next. 

As I sat looking at a blank page in my followers list without their name in it, I asked myself what would come next?

Would I metaphorically stay there, a piece of me staring at that blank page, forever twenty-seven wondering why someone at this age could behave like this with someone they claim to care about? Would I sit there wondering if they would ever come back and have that final conversation? 

Or…

Would I for the first time in my life, move on and think of them less and less with each day that passes? Would I shrug my shoulders and thank the universe for making the space in my life I asked for, even if it’s unfortunate that nearly a decade of friendship disappeared in a single, silent click?

I decided without hesitation to stand up and leave the fucking restaurant. There would be no dust to collect on my frozen frame, I would not stay twenty-seven staring at a blank page. There would be no patrons to say how very sad it all was, no one to witness me haunt an empty table as I lose myself to yet another fantasy that won’t come true. 

If this person ever did come back, I would not be there. I will never go back.

Even if invited.

I unfollowed them on everything I could think of, and haven’t looked back until I wrote this. In my heart I knew I would be ok, because even in that moment I did not miss them, I wasn’t even worried. I cared of course, and I still care about this person and wish them well, but there was nothing left to entice me to stay.

I think breakups will always be hard, but there comes a point in your life where you no longer care to make sense of it. Where their why’s and your curiosity’s don’t matter as much as they used to, because you don’t care enough to change it and you know that who you are won’t change negatively because of it. 

Because that’s the truth, if I cared about this relationship more I might have tried harder, but I didn’t. I think that sometimes we need to be told that that’s ok.

People’s roles in our lives will change, some for good, some for bad. Holding on harder to someone never made them stay, and sometimes pushing people away didn’t make them leave. It all depends, but for today as I remind you to Zoom Out, I want you to know that it’s ok for people’s value to change in your eyes. 

What really matters is what you do next, and let this be a sign if you need it… 

Leave the restaurant.